Q. In the modern way of life both men and women are exposed to numerous stresses which often bring about the confusion with regard to the traditional sex roles. What are your observations in that sense and how can we overcome those conditions?
A. Traditional sex roles become less and less defined in our hyper masculine world of survival. We all constrict and become more machine-like under the constant bombardment of stress. Speaking especially about women I have seen how we overwork our masculine muscle to provide for our own ‘security’. At first we might have had a lot of fun exploring and establishing our power in the male arena by making our own money and creating an independent life for ourselves and frequently our family. Women have often accomplished more stability than men. But this success can not ever touch most women’s deepest heart and our soft bodies tighten to an unhealthy degree. The disillusionment comes when we don’t know how to swing back and relax into “The Power of Feminine Pleasure” [which is the working title of the book that I am writing] on a daily basis.
A woman in her masculine force naturally does not feel attracted to a man who is less masculine then she is and the sexual polarity for a great relationship might get lost. We women have to take responsibility and learn how to invite our feminine back in. In turn our feminine is what empowers the masculine in men.
In Radiant Embodiment I help my clients to experience the male/female aspects of their body and we build bridges for the “ultimate inside marriage” with right/left/front/back/upper/lower body awareness and integration.
Personally in my work and in my marriage I often search for the more feminine or the more masculine energy in each moment and find a balance. For instance; I am a self employed one-women-show and while I completely hold my client or my students and the space and mostly give the direction of the session [masculine]. I also completely offer my deep feminine intuition, my nurturing touch and my heart and compassion [feminine].
When my, also self employed, husband comes home totally exhausted and stressed he may ask me to give him some time to recover his balance by himself [masculine]. Feeling into my body and his I might take the lead and offer another solution [masculine] and if he let’s me take over he trusts my guidance [feminine]. Then he receives my hands-on nurturing [feminine]. His tanks fill up sooner or later and he naturally takes the more decisive active role [masculine]. In this moment it’s my turn to learn to surrender and trust his direction. When his direction is not serving the purpose, he has to feel his mistake himself. I only need to express my feelings about that but not my judgment of him. I learn to stay in my heart and relax into my deepest feminine trust in life without emasculating him. This is how we balance to encourage each others natural feminine and masculine energies and have grown tremendously in our love and marriage.
Stressors will not go away. They are here as opportunities for learning and loving. It’s how we deal with the blows. When we stay connected to the sensations in our body we are never in the past or in the future where bad experiences and false expectations trick our mind. We stay here now in this present moment which is the open invitation to expand as the love we are.
Q. How can couples that you work with overcome the lack of communication in the relationship?
A. First of all acknowledge that you are two completely different people – that’s why you were attracted to each other in the first place. So, don’t try to turn your man into your girlfriend, or your girlfriend into your buddy.
Second: Don’t take anything personally! [Don Miguel Ruiz – The 4 Agreements] http://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319
Third: Go for a walk to talk. When the body is moving and the breathing is deepened – even a little bit, the thinking also expands and can be expressed much more easily and grounded. Even longer pauses feel natural. You may find beautiful visual interruptions to ease the conversation and you both get a physical sense of moving forward.
Fourth: Don’t talk – touch! As I have mentioned before little babies don’t talk – they sense everything through their whole body and they cry or tense up if they are held by somebody who is scared for instance. That same high sensibility is still inside of us adults. It lives just underneath all the protective walls we put up over the years. So when we invite the other to a foot massage or a shoulder rub, and this touching is done gently and respectfully while listening into their body, both of you will relax and feel connected on the very primal nonverbal level. A deep communication can grow from here.
Fifth: I often show couples how to lie down in spooning in the evening and breathe through their chakra system to harmonize their energies before any sharing of the events of the day.
Sixth: The more ‘feminine’ partner is usually the one who can communicate easier. Find common ground with daily things and find the relatedness to your immediate physical experience. Share only your sensations and feelings, not your thoughts and judgments. Give the other space to digest your info. You might ask them about their own sensate experience. This is how you invite your partner to enter into their own body and become present with themselves first. I see this as a useful prerequisite before getting into a deeper sharing with each other. Your communication will be less emotional, clearer and more connected.
Q. Can you describe to us the exercise that you implement in order to renew the personal energy?
A. Of course my first answer is: Pleasure in any form – but that does not mean you get to “pig out”!
I am talking about feeding all of your senses with rest, self care, bathing, soothing your skin with essential oils, cooking with lots of time and good friends; what ever gives you a sense of ease; listening to music, creating art, restorative yoga, body work – passively receiving touch – ask your partner or friends for nonsexual holding and nurturing, [see my Foot massage DVD and Manual, 20 Ways to Please the Other http://radiantembodiment.com/?duka=dvd] Being in nature – I am in my garden many times a day between clients; breathing with wide open arms at a wide open window, funneling the sun into every cell of your body; gentle hiking and anything horizontal and slow that makes your whole body smile.
When we finally listen to our body as to a baby’s cry and begin to give it the long overdue nurturing, lots of us may have to initially experience a much worse drop of energy. In this ‘good mothering’ that I describe your body will soften and slowly release the old rigidity that held it together successfully surviving for too many years. Now you get to feed it with delicious touch and good nourishing “activities” for quite some time before its depletion is quenched to overflowing and your natural zest for action jumps up. This break-down-to-break-through is a healing crisis. It may even happen to somebody who’s intensely practicing yoga [which comes from a more masculine, structured and controlled tradition] without listening deeply to their body.
I hope I was helpful to you in describing how I have learned that our human bodies just need to be honored with self compassion and feminine nurturing in spite off our minds fear and throughout our whole life to reconnect us with our divine self.
With love and light
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Embodiment Expert and Workshop Leader
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